


Wishes

by saltygiraffe4406



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Parenting, Birthday, Child Neglect, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), One Shot, Sad, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-04 09:24:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20468741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltygiraffe4406/pseuds/saltygiraffe4406
Summary: Sirius Black: The heir to the most Noble House Of BlackHe had no idea how much harder life would get.Sirius Black's birthdays throughout his life time.Some good. Most not.





	Wishes

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing and I really hope it wasn't toooo bad. Sorry for any mistakes and errors you may find. This turned out wayyyyyy longer than I planned, but it's okay! I hope you like it!!!!!
> 
> TW for child abuse and anxiety attacks

TW for child abuse and anxiety attacks

On Sirius Black's first birthday his family all gathered around him peering at him into his crib. People were excited and some even jealous about this small baby in the crib. He was the next big Black Family Heir. His parents, at the head of the crib, stood proud and tall, already imagining how his life would be and how proud he could make them. From his crib, the baby stared up in wonder at the many faces that took turns peering down at him. The baby had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's second birthday there were far less faces and far more plans of the future. His parents were planning his life for him and the toddler didn't even know. He spent most of the day playing with books he had found around the house, since his parents had decided against ever buying the child any toys. They only expected the best, after all. They planned on raising the best heir of the most Noble House Of Black, and the best does not play with toys. His mother had, however, baked a tart for the occasion and the three blacks enjoyed an evening together. The toddler had no idea of how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's third birthday it was far more chaotic. Sirius had learned how to talk and walk, and with that, his parents were having a much harder time controlling him. The newest edition to the Black clan hadn't helped either. When Sirius had first been told he would be getting a little brother, he was upset he had to share his parents. However, when he first set his eyes on the little baby in his mother's arms, he loved the small thing instantly. Sirius would always try to be with Regulus and help his mother take care of him. His father had talked to Sirius that it was his mother's job to watch his brother. Sirius had ignored him though, and would sneak away to help his mother tend to Regulus. His mother knew it wasn't right, but she would ignore that, give Sirius a small smile, and teach him how to watch the baby. So, when it was Sirius' birthday, they had a nice family dinner and his mother taught him more about how to take care of Regulus before sending him to bed with an extra cookie. The child had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's fourth birthday he felt alone. His parents had a wedding of some far away relative to attend and had told him that they would be away for the week. The only acknowledgement he even got about his birthday was when he had asked his parents if he had to still attend studies and lessons.

"You're older now and there are expectations you must reach. You have to continue working hard everyday, Sirius."

"But why do I have to be the best?" He had whined. "I don't want to!" he cried out, the start of a tantrum. Sirius had always been a well behaved boy and this had been new for him. "I don't want to! I don't want to! I do-" _slap_. His whining and crying had been interrupted by a harsh hand his father had struck at his cheek. The boy shut up abruptly and stared wide eyed up at his father.

"Blacks do not cry." His father said in a low voice."They stand tall and are _always_ thebest. Do you understand?" Sirius nodded his head, still staring at the man before him. Before they left, his mother had bent down and gave him a cupcake, offering a small smile. Sirius had taken it and smiled back at her. His father had come over to inform his mother they had to leave, then, and so they left.

So, Sirius had spent his birthday with his tutors and piano teacher and language instructors and house elf and not with his parents. At night, he sneaked into Regulus' room and played with him. His parents had gotten Regulus toys, but not him. So, when Regulus went to sleep, Sirius played with them for a bit, before going back into his room. He laid awake wondering if his parents were thinking of him. The boy had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's fifth birthday his Uncle Alfred came. His parents had seemed surprised to see him, but invited him anyway. When his parents had asked his Uncle what he was doing there, Sirius had been delighted by his answer. 

"I'm here, of course, to wish my wonderful nephew a Happy Birthday!" His Uncle then took Sirius into one of the many guest rooms and spent the day with him, there. Sirius had been sure that at some point his parents would come to get him for lessons and such, but Sirius found himself spending the entire day with his Uncle. Uncle Alfred had told him marvelous stories about his work and had even told him about Hogwarts after Sirius had asked. When it became evening time, they emerged and found dinner waiting for them downstairs. His Uncle stayed with the family for dinner and his mother served a chocolate cake she had made. Before his Uncle left, he gave Sirius a small bag of coins and leaned down before whispering in his ear.

"Don't forget, Sirius, that you can be whoever." 

After, Sirius had told Regulus all the stories he had heard. He was laying in bed and he fell asleep with a smile about how his birthday had turned out. He knew telling Reggie the stories was worth it, too, even when his father had punished him the next day. The young one had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's sixth birthday his mother yelled at him about expectations. He had been slacking off in studies that week and his mother had been upset by this. So, she had yelled at him about his expectations and he had picked his pace back up in studies. Soon, he had been told, he would start learning about magic. Sirius knew this was wrong and he wasn't supposed to learn until Hogwarts, but he didn't say anything about it. Sirius missed the way his mother used to be. When she would give him a treat on his birthday and teach him about taking care of Regulus and give him secret smiles and he missed it so much. As he had gotten older, though, she had started changing. She had started acting more like his father and he wished she didn't. His birthday was mentioned at the dinner table when his family talked about how he was getting older and growing into his duties as Black heir. The innocent one had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's seventh birthday he couldn't walk. A few days before, he had been bored, and so he went across the street and played with the muggle boy. Sirius had been having a fun time with the boy, until his mother came and dragged him inside. She had then proceeded to yell at him about how pure and noble blood, such as theirs, was not to mix with such low and filthy blood. Sirius was confused and didn't understand, since the boy had seemed nice enough. He had voiced those thoughts to his mother, who had just gasped in disgust, yelled at him some more, and sent him to his father's study. Sirius was beginning to hate that study, since it was where all of his punishments took place. When his father had come home from work, at the ministy, he had taught Sirius about the levels of blood status and not to mix with muggles, mudbloods, and halfbloods. The Noble House Of Black only mixed with their kind. Then, Sirius had received punishment of his earlier actions of playing with a muggle boy and enjoying it. Sirius had then been taken up to his room by Kreacher, the house elf, since Sirius was in no shape to get himself up the stairs. After, that Sirius wouldn't leave his rooms, even for meal times. A week later, however, his father threatened him with another punishment if he didn't leave his room. And so, Sirius had continued on and the incident was never mentioned again. Sirius had really wanted to cry. But he didn't. Because Blacks didn't cry or show weakness. And he had to be the best Black. The youth had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's eight birthday he forgot. He had spent his day like any other: wake up, get ready, eat breakfast with the family, attend studies and lessons, eat dinner with the family, and go to bed. He probably would have forgotten entirely if his brother hadn't come into his room that night wishing him a "happy birthday, Siri!" and pastry he had stolen from the kitchens. At the time, Sirius had thanked Regulus and gave him a small smile, but if later that night, he cried himself to sleep, then no one had to know. And so no one did. The adolescent had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's ninth birthday he got in trouble. Sirius had started getting bored and tired of everything and had started acting out and getting rebellious. His parents did not like this new development. The night of his birthday, he got in trouble before dinner and had been sent up to his room with no food. Sirius was used to this, though. He didn't understand. He wanted to, but he just didn't. He thought about Regulus' birthdays and how he got present, cake, and wishes. Sirius wished he could get wishes. The young one had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's tenth birthday he spent the day with Regulus. Sirius had woke up and went straight to his brothers room.

"Hey, Reggie," Sirius had announced. "We get to spend the day together!" Regulus had smiled and happily complied. They spent the day playing, telling stories, and having fun together. They didn't come out at all, until dinner. Sirius was worried his parents would say something, but they didn't. They acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Sirius was pleasantly surprised and went off to bed with a smile on his face. The bliss he felt quickly ended however, when his father called him into his study late that night. His father had given him a teaching on responsibility and a punishment/lesson of what happens if Sirius did not meet his fathers expectations of what Sirius was to be as the heir to the Most Noble House Of Black. The punishment had been the worst Sirius had felt so far in his life, and he had started crying. This only angered his father more. 

"Blacks don't cry!" His father had hissed at him. "Blacks are not weak and you must be better." So, Sirius had sniffled and tired his hardest to keep in the tears that were pooling in his eyes. Finally, his father had finished and left Sirius to try to get back to his room. He limped back into his room and crawled back in bed. It took a month for Sirius to heal and he always had scars from that night. Sirius had decided he hated birthdays. The heir had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's eleventh birthday he was already anxious for Hogwarts, knowing he would get to go next year. He was excited and wished to go sooner. He spent the day normally, except at night, when he sneaked into Regulus' room and told him stories about Hogwarts. The boys had both decided they couldn't wait to go. And when Sirius was limping back to his room the next night for filling Regulus' head with silly stories, Sirius smiled and decided it was worth it. The brother had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's twelfth birthday he woke up to a mess of hair and a squeaky voice telling him to get up or miss breakfast. Smiling to himself, Sirius shook his head and headed into the bathroom to get ready. He had only known the other boy for about two months, but Sirius already like him. And, Sirius was starting to like the other two as well, even though they were a bit quieter. Sirius had already found out when the others birthdays were and found out that his was the first, as it was early in the school year. He hadn't told anyone his, though, since he didn't like birthdays and didn't think it was much of a deal. During breakfast, he got the _tenth_ letter from his parents this year.

"Geez, mate," James had jokes. "your parents must be really protective, huh?" Sirius had just let out a nervous laugh and nodded his head. Sirius had not told his new friends that all the letters from his parents were made out of anger for him getting sorted into gryffindor. Sirius kept up hope, however, and thought that maybe, _just maybe_, his parents sent a letter to wish him happy birthday. So, Sirius opened the letter, heart beating aggressively in his chest, only to find another letter about how disappointed his parents were. It's not like it was Sirius' fault he was sorted into gryffindor anyway. With a heavy heart, Sirius shoved the letter in his bag and turned his attention back to his new friends. Sirius ignored them for the rest of the day and focused on enjoying a normal day with his friends. And so he did. Later that night, though, when Sirius was trying to fall asleep, his thoughts wandered back to his parents. Sirius views were always different from that of his parents, but now they were really changing. Before he came to Hogwarts, Sirius had no idea of exactly how ignorant and bigotry his parents had thought. His friends were starting to show him this, however. James, for example was really teaching him about blood status. The other day, Sirius had been talking about Lily Evans and had referred to her as mudblood. When the word came out of his mouth, however, hi friends had all been appalled. Peter had physically flinched away, Remus had gasped, and James had stared at him in shock.

"Sirius!" His friend had scolded him. But Sirius had been confused. He hadn't done anything wrong that he knew of. 

So, he had quirked an eyebrow and questioned, "What?" His friends all stared at him before James started speaking. 

"Why would you say that? That's not nice, Sirius!"

"Say what? That Evans hair looks like fire? Because it does!" Sirius was starting to get exasperated. What had he done wrong? His friends had continued to stare at him with a look that was beginning to look like disgust. "What is it? What did I say wrong?"

"You really don't know?" Remus had whispered. Sirius rolled his eyes, but still shook his head. Obviously he didn't know!

"What?" James spit out. " You have to know! It wa-"

"James!" Remus said, tugging on his arm. "I think he really doesn't know." Turning back to Sirius he had started explaining. "The word you said. That started with 'm'."

"Mudblood?" Sirius asked. 

"Shhhh!" James hushed him, giving him an annoyed look. Sirius was very confused.

"What's wrong with it? Isn't that what she is?" Sirius tried reasoning. James gave him another look.

"It's a derogatory term for muggle born magical people. It's used to offend the person you're speaking about." Remus had explained to him. "Where did you hear that word anyway. 

"My parents." Sirius had whispered. The look they were giving him softened. So, from then on, his friends had started educating him about all sorts of things his parents had taught him about. Sirius was more cautious about what he said and realized how his friends were right about all the mean things he was saying as he observed some older slytherins using the same words. 

And as he lay in bed on the night of his birthday, Sirius had one last main thought before falling asleep: Sirius really was different than his family. The schoolboy had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's thirteenth birthday he woke up crying out from a nightmare and a rough, but soothing voice telling him it was alright. Sirius grasped onto the boy next to him and cried. Sirius had nightmares almost every night, but they usually weren't so bad he woke up crying. This nightmare had been worst than the others and very vivid. When Sirius had finally calmed down, he snuggled into the warm body that held him, not looking into the others eyes. 

"Do you want to talk about?" Remus whispered into the darkness. Sirius, not trusting himself to speak, had only shook his head into the others chest and Remus had covered Sirius shaking hands with his own. Sirius had smiled and they both fell asleep together; Sirius had laid on his right side, as his left was still too hurt from his summer punishments. The rest of the day had continued on as normal, seeing as Sirius still hadn't told his friends about his birthday. After dinner, Regulus had pulled him away into an empty classroom.

"Happy Birthday, Siri!" He had exclaimed, pulling Sirius into a hug. 

"Thanks, Reggie!" Sirius had laughed out. That night Sirius fell sleep with a smile on his face and the knowledge that comfort was only a bed away. The no longer innocent youngin' had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's fourteenth birthday he had a good day. He woke up in a good mood and was determined to have a good day. His friends still did not know of Sirius' birthday, but had seemed to pick up on his cheery mood and so it spread to all of them. They had a rather pleasant day of classes, played a wonderful prank, and made many jokes during dinner. Sirius had a good day. As he fell asleep, this time on his left side to avoid the stinging, he felt happy and content. Things with his family was still bad, if not worse, but he thought he could actually get through it with his friends. The teenager had no idea how much harder life would get. 

On Sirius Black's fifteenth birthday he had a mental breakdown. The day had started off well enough. He woke up, messed with his friends, got ready, and went downstairs to breakfast. Only, on the way in, Regulus caught up and pulled Sirius aside to wish him happy birthday. That had been nice, until he turned the corner of where Regulus had pulled Sirius behind, and found his friends staring at him in shock. He had hoped they were just surprised they were talking to his brother and continued on to the great hall for breakfast. And when none of his friends said anything about his birthday, he assumed they hadn't heard. So, Sirius continued on with his day as normal. After the last class, James had dragged Sirius to the Owlery with him only to find James forgot the letter in the room. Sirius should have been suspicious then, but he didn't think anything of it, and just continued with James back to the common room. When they got back, Sirius went inside first, only for a bunch of people to scream "surprise!" and jump out at him. Sirius stumbled back, knocking into James, who grabbed his shoulder. Sirius felt his mouth drop into an "o" as he took in the smiling faces around him. That was when Sirius felt it. He was starting to have trouble breathing and he could feel the pressing weight on his chest. Ignoring the expectant faces, he turned around and stumbled through the portrait whole, running away. Behind him, he could hear people calling his name, but he ignored it and continued running, pushing past people all the way. Before he knew it, Sirius found himself on the grounds, scurrying under an uninhabited tree and curling into a ball with closed eyes. He took ragged breaths trying his hardest to breath through his tears that had started pouring down his face and the heavy weight on his chest that felt like it was crushing him. In the background, he thought he hear people coming up beside him, but Sirius couldn't focus on them. All he could think about was _why couldn't he breath__e?_ Then he started making out voices next to his ear. 

"You're okay now, Sirius, you're safe. Just try to take deep breaths. Focus on my voice and try to breath. I promise it will help and make you feel better." And that was all Sirius wanted. So, he focused on his breathing and tried to steady himself. Slowly, he felt the weight lifting off and his ability to breathe coming back. He was still crying, though. "That's it, that's better. You're doing good." And Sirius listened to the soft and gentle voice, putting all his energy into breathing. After a long time, Sirius was able to calm down and understand what had happened. He had saw the surprise party. This had triggered an anxiety attack and he had run outside. His friends had followed and he could feel their presence next to him. Lily had come and she was the one talking to him, calming him down from his attack. He was still sniffling and crying, but he could breathe. So, he slowly pried his eyes open. Lily's face was right in front of his and she lit up in relief upon seeing his eyes and let a small smile pull at her lips. 

"Do you feel better now?" She asked him. Not wanting to talk, he simply nodded his head. What was he _doing_? He wipes his hand across his face to get rid of the tears and snot. Blacks don't cry. Especially not in front of other people. But that's what he was doing. And over something so stupid as a surprise birthday party. His parents would kill him if they saw him like this. Why had he even been crying? Just because he had never gotten a nice birthday, even though he always wished he had, did not warrant an anxiety attack. Sirius wasn't some sob story. He didn't need a supportive family or parents that loved him. He didn't need nice acts or signs of love. But that's what hurt the most. Sirius _did _need this. He needed someone that loved him and supported him. Only thinking about this just brought a fresh round of tears. Lily reached forward and pulled him into a hug. Sirius didn't even do anything. He just gripped onto her and started sobbing uncontrollably. Soon, he felt three more pairs of arms wrap around him. It was a big group hug, with Sirius in the middle bawling his eyes out. Eventually, Sirius managed to calm down and stop crying, so everyone pulled away a little, but they all stayed rather close together. The first to break the silence was Peter.

"Can you tell us what happened, Sirius?" Peter asked. Sirius felt himself tense up, but spoke anyway. After what they saw, he figured he owed at least a bit of an explanation. 

"I've never really liked my birthday. Most of them were pretty bad anyway." Sirius had started, whispering to them in the evening air. "My parents don't really do stuff like this. So, I guess, I just freaked out a bit." A silence fell on the group.

"Sirius," Lily chocked out. "Can I ask a very personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to." Sirius nodded his head and so Lily looked him in the eyes and continued on. "Do your parents hurt you, Sirius?" He felt everyone tense, but Sirius only stared. He had had a feeling that was what the question was. Instead of giving a real answer, Sirius only shrugged his shoulders and looked away. James heaved in a sharp intake of breath.

"Why didn't you tell us?" James asked. Sirius didn't really know how to answer, so he just shrugged. Remus let out a hard sigh before suggesting they all go back to the common room. And so they did, only to find it empty, as everyone had left for dinner in the great hall. When they got in his friends started asking questions about how bad it was and if he had any scars. After giving in to the pleading and begging of his friends, Sirius reluctantly lifted his shirt over his head and showed them all the marks he had gotten, before showing the ones on his legs. James had become outraged and told Sirius he couldn't go back there again, while the rest of his friends had given him supportive looks and agreed with James. That night, Sirius was sad his family didn't like him. But he was happy because he had found a family who did. The friend had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's sixteenth birthday he felt alone. He had been disowned by his family, his brother had started ignoring him, and his best friends were mad and wouldn't talk to him. They had all been ignoring him since the end of last school year after what had been dubbed as the "willow incident". Sirius had then gone home to have the worst summer ever, which eventually led him to runaway, only to find he had nowhere left to go. So, he had lived on the streets of muggle London, barely getting by, mostly having to live in his dog animagus form. When he had come back for school, they had still ignored him. So, on his birthday, he curled up at the top of the Astronomy tower and cried. That was where his friends had come to check on him. That was where Sirius had thrown himself at their feet and begged for forgiveness. That was where they had seen how pale, shaky, and skinny their friend was. That was where they forgave him. That was where they found out how hurt and broken Sirius really was. The animagus had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's seventeenth birthday he was in the hospital wing. There had been a full moon the night before and Remus had a turning. Remus had insisted Sirius not come so that his birthday wouldn't get ruined. Sirius had insisted on coming, saying his birthday wasn't important anyway. Remus had frowned at that, but had no way to stop Sirius from coming. Of course, Remus just _had_ to have a rough night and take it out on the dog. Remus had apologized immensely. 

"Calm down, Moony. It was the wolf. It wasn't your fault." Sirius had told him. Remus wasn't having it.

"Of course it's my fault! Now you can't even have a good birthday, Padfoot!"

"Remus all I need for a good birthday is my friends. And a nice fruit tart wouldn't hurt things." Sirius had pushed on. Remus finally gave in and made James fetch a fruit tart. The four marauders and Lily spent the day in the hospital wing for Sirius' birthday. And they all had a good time. The best part was when James had given Sirius a letter from Mr. and Mrs.Potter that had a watch in it. The young man had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's eighteenth birthday he was happy. They had a small gathering and celebrated. They had been having long Order meetings, which only worried everyone, so the small party was relaxing. The graduate had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's twenty second birthday he was sad. Beyond sad. He was destroyed. James and Lily were gone. He was lost. He hadn't even thought about it when he went after Peter. He still didn't understand how Peter could do it. Sirius didn't understand anything. He was locked away in a cell. He was alone. And so he became empty. The prisoner had no idea how much harder life would get.

On Sirius Black's thirty fifth birthday he didn't know it was his last. It was his first one in a while that he was free. The only person who remembered was Remus. Remus had sent the broken man a card. Sirius was still stuck at Grimmauld place. Sirius was stuck inside himself. He had never left that night his life changed. The night he lost his best friend. Sirius had died there with them. And so thirty five. That was his last birthday. 

The man had no idea how much better life would get.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:J.K Rowling owns characters, setting, and even some of the plot!


End file.
